Today was Michael's fourth meeting for the transition from Early Intervention to the local school district. The last meeting went very well, everyone was very nice and most important Michael actually interacted with them and played with them. Enough that they were able to ascertain where to put him. I was afraid he would scream the whole time.
This meeting was supposed to be at 10:30 today, but they called and told me late yesterday that they had been wrong and that it was scheduled for 2:30. Which was fine, except that meant I had to bring all three of my boys. Incidently, today was pajama day at Andrew's school and I forgot to bring him a change of clothes. Thankfully, he got over his intial embarrassment. :)
They did really well, the Child Find Team just let play with toys and for the most part were very well behaved. They even cleaned up when asked- a little reward was offered, of course.
Everything went as I expected. They qualified Michael to receive services in three areas. Communication, Cognitive and Motor. Then they gave Michael a label and I had sign that I accepted this label. They put him in the Preschool severe delay category. Mostly because he has severe communication delay.
Then they told me, they didn't think he should be in the program I thought he would be in. That he should be in a smaller program, that is shorter. That it would be a better transition for him into preschool. That it would more centered on him. It wasn't what I was prepared for and I think I started to feel vulnerable and not in control. I started really thinking about what they were saying to me. They were probably right, Michael wasn't ready for that program. And I want him to be.
So much of this process is paperwork and they talk about due process, etc because an IEP because a binding legal document. So, everything is worded formally and it becomes difficult to feel that way about your beautiful little boy sitting in front of you.
So, I just signed my child into the Special Education program because he has severe delay. And it makes me sad. Sad to think of him that way. Most days I just see Michael, not a little boy who is way behind his peers. Just a fun little boy. In fact the other day at dinner, Jeremy was trying to encourage Michael to eat his chicken. He put a bite on Micheal's fork. Then Jeremy cut a big piece of chicken(off of his own plate) and starting slowly with fun noises bringing it close to his own mouth and out of nowhere Michael grabbed it and stuffed it into his own mouth. It was so funny. We laughed and laughed. I didn't think once that he was behind or in need of special ed.
I know that Michael is delayed, but I don't want him to have to be in the special ed program. I don't want him to be behind everyone. I want him to talk to me. I want to understnad what is going on in his wonderful mind. I don't want that path for him.
I guess, I just didn't think it would be hard. I have already faced these feelings. When do they go away?
I know that Michael was created this way, with a special plan just for him. I know that he has a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of him(and me). But, sometimes, my heart just aches and I want to cry. And sometimes I do.
5 comments:
I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sending hugs your way! Its hard to accept things about our children I think because we love them so unconditionally that they are perfect. I'm glad he will be receiving the help he needs for him to excel.Its good that you think of him that way. He doesn't have a handicap until he thinks he does. If he never feels that way all the better.I think hes perfect too!
I understand a little. I was arranging to have swimming lessons for Nathan and Mandy. I got the number from a family at church. When I talked to the teacher, she said, something along the line of and Nathan is handicapped. I was flabbergasted! Nathan is Nathan. Words sometimes hurt a lot.
It's hard to listen to people criticize your child, even if you know what they are saying could be true. It's hard not to take it personally. Remember that Michael has you as his mom because you don't see him the way that they do...He's your baby! He's perfect to you. As long as he knows that, he will succeed and grow. As far as special ed goes, since he's starting so early, he won't know any different. Hang in there!
oh Cyn. People keep telling me that Joy/Bella's only advocate is me. So I stand up and I fight. But these meetings are hard. I got Joy's speech eval in the mail - we haven't had our IEP meeting yet, AZ is quick! I was sad, then I was angry. No where in that document was the wonderful little girl that I see. No where was listed the hours and hours we have spent to get her to this point. No where was listed how much progress she has made. No thing was positive. Maybe I live in a bubble. Maybe I am limiting my girl by not seeing her as others do, but I don't think so. Without the lone voice saying "Excuse Me?" she would be hurried off to the groove they want her to be in. I want them to see all of her. She is great - she just needs a little more help. Maybe I'm naive. Yes, I am naive.
I remember when I came home from Sammi's initial diagnosis of "neurological impairment." I knew it had been coming, but I was shocked. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. So I have protected her and done the best I could for her. Like with Joy, maybe I am naive. I don't know.
I am sorry that you and Michael have to face this. I am sorry for the heartache and the longing. I think you are better than I to face these meetings so kindly and productively. I get angry and defensive.
I love you Cyn. I love Michael.
Cyndi, you are an amazing mom. Thinking of you and your sweet little boys (who are growing up too fast, just like my little ones)! Love you.
Post a Comment