Today was Michael's fourth meeting for the transition from Early Intervention to the local school district. The last meeting went very well, everyone was very nice and most important Michael actually interacted with them and played with them. Enough that they were able to ascertain where to put him. I was afraid he would scream the whole time.
This meeting was supposed to be at 10:30 today, but they called and told me late yesterday that they had been wrong and that it was scheduled for 2:30. Which was fine, except that meant I had to bring all three of my boys. Incidently, today was pajama day at Andrew's school and I forgot to bring him a change of clothes. Thankfully, he got over his intial embarrassment. :)
They did really well, the Child Find Team just let play with toys and for the most part were very well behaved. They even cleaned up when asked- a little reward was offered, of course.
Everything went as I expected. They qualified Michael to receive services in three areas. Communication, Cognitive and Motor. Then they gave Michael a label and I had sign that I accepted this label. They put him in the Preschool severe delay category. Mostly because he has severe communication delay.
Then they told me, they didn't think he should be in the program I thought he would be in. That he should be in a smaller program, that is shorter. That it would be a better transition for him into preschool. That it would more centered on him. It wasn't what I was prepared for and I think I started to feel vulnerable and not in control. I started really thinking about what they were saying to me. They were probably right, Michael wasn't ready for that program. And I want him to be.
So much of this process is paperwork and they talk about due process, etc because an IEP because a binding legal document. So, everything is worded formally and it becomes difficult to feel that way about your beautiful little boy sitting in front of you.
So, I just signed my child into the Special Education program because he has severe delay. And it makes me sad. Sad to think of him that way. Most days I just see Michael, not a little boy who is way behind his peers. Just a fun little boy. In fact the other day at dinner, Jeremy was trying to encourage Michael to eat his chicken. He put a bite on Micheal's fork. Then Jeremy cut a big piece of chicken(off of his own plate) and starting slowly with fun noises bringing it close to his own mouth and out of nowhere Michael grabbed it and stuffed it into his own mouth. It was so funny. We laughed and laughed. I didn't think once that he was behind or in need of special ed.
I know that Michael is delayed, but I don't want him to have to be in the special ed program. I don't want him to be behind everyone. I want him to talk to me. I want to understnad what is going on in his wonderful mind. I don't want that path for him.
I guess, I just didn't think it would be hard. I have already faced these feelings. When do they go away?
I know that Michael was created this way, with a special plan just for him. I know that he has a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of him(and me). But, sometimes, my heart just aches and I want to cry. And sometimes I do.
